[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 9 most recent journal entries recorded in
|Thursday, March 3rd, 2005|
Siren Count Since I've Gotten Here: 4.
|Thursday, January 27th, 2005|
|Monday: Shane's Update
I can hardly believe I've been here for such a short time. Well, ok, that may be an overstatement. I mean, I've only met a few people (Dan, Jake & Billy, Keanu, Elijah, Angie, Jason, Emma), but the time here as been anything bit short.
I was nervous to come back here. Actually that doesn't cover it: I was terrified. The memories are still so strong, but I need this if I'm ever going to get over the incident. I needed to get back among people too. I lost my faith in humanity for a bit, but the near-isolation I created for myself was not helpful.
Then, of course, there's Johnny. I met him on my third day here and he almost immediately had my trust. We're kind of stuck in an odd situation, but I wouldn't give it up for anything. Heck, he's put up with my siren reactions, not once but twice. Then there was my poor reaction to Emma and the two times I messed up initimate moments. He still puts up with me... actually he still comes after me: taking me into town, checking on me after Orlando's incident, and letting me stay. And then he wants to share his family with me. I get to meet his daughter Friday; moreover, he wants
me to meet her.
|Saturday, January 8th, 2005|
Johnny's asleep next to me, but I can't sleep. Too worried, too... scared? I left him unsatisified again. That's twice now. How long before he gets tired of this? Trying to fix me and getting nothing but disappointment in return. I'm going to have to prove my worth next time. Hopefully he'll be willing to keep me around for at least a bit longer. Sleep's going to take a while longer in coming tonight.
|Wednesday, December 29th, 2004|
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): To guide your journey in 2005, I've selected two quotes. I suggest you write them out and keep them in your wallet or under your pillow for the next ten months. The first is from mythologist Joseph Campbell: "The goal of life is to make your heartbeat match the beat of the universe, to match your nature with Nature." Your second keynote comes from the ancient Chinese sage, Lao Tzu: "Stop leaving and you will arrive. Stop searching and you will see. Stop running away and you will be found." Now here's your homework, Gemini: Meditate on how these themes articulate two angles of approach to the same joyful work.
Stop leaving, stop searching, stop running... odd how that completely sums me up in so few words. I leave when things get uncomfortable, search for a way to forget, then run when I'm in over head. But how do I stop? Then there's "match your nature with Nature" to consider. I'd say that's what Johnny and I are trying to do: trying to break the conditioning of my mind and get back to the real Shane. At least I hope this one's not the real me.
|Monday, December 20th, 2004|
|Wednesday Early Afternoon
I'm still sitting on the rock where Johnny left me. Maybe things can go well here. He definitely seems into me, and that doesn't throw me off. I skip a rock into the lake thoughtfully. I'll definitely go see him tonight, though... if only to restore my faith in men.
|Sunday, December 19th, 2004|
I'm playing around with an electric guitar with the amp as low as it can go. I don't want to attract attention right now. I just want to be alone for a bit.
Elijah's an awesome cabin mate. I'm really glad he's so nice... and taken. That puts my mind at ease a lot. He suggested that I talk to Johnny, but I'm a bit nervous about trying to find a specific person. Hopefully he'll find me...? Not likely.
I strum out a soft tune, just trying to feel the notes and calm down. Keanu really got me worked up. He read me so well and used the knowledge shamelessly. Then he pressed for more information. He's just so... intimidating. I know I won't be able to do his class anyway. My last physical contact left me in the hospital for a month and with scars covering my entire body. I just can't do that again.
I sigh, softly continuing. I ought to find Jake, but I can't. Not like this. Current Mood: musical & lost
|Friday, December 17th, 2004|
Lying in my bed, haunted by the ghosts of the past and the words of the present. All I really have left are my actions.
Jake... he obviously knows a lot more about what happened than I thought... and it's not the information you can get from a file. He must've been there, seen it- me. I'm not surprised that I can't remember that. All I have from the accident are the scars and the memory of the overwhelming urge to go after Scott, to make him believe that it was all my fault so that he'd come back. Then I was lying in a hospital bed. I'll go see Jake tomorrow because he told me to and, honestly, that's the only motivation I need.
Billy... I've got an overwhelming urge to protect him, even though I know Jake's got him now. He seems so vulnerable, influential, like me. And it hurts. It really hurt to see them together- not because I was jealous of either one of them, but because the first thing Scott took from me was public displays. I think he knew how much I craved them.
Dan... I have to talk to him sometime and apologize for brushing him off so quick. I hope he isn't upset.
I rub my scarred thighs absently and wonder if Elijah's going to come tonight. Current Mood: pensive & lost & awake
|Monday, December 13th, 2004|
I gaze out the bus window half in a daze as the highway signs go by us. I can't calm down enough to sleep and I know we have to be nearing my stop. I remember this route from two years ago: so familar and yet so alien. This time will be different, though. I won't take this place for granted again and I definitely don't have to miss it like last year.
I sigh and rest my hand on my guitar. Things will
be different. He won't be there anymore. He's gone. There won't be anyone there who knows the truth... unless Jake's still there. I'm not sure he ever knew the whole story anyway. Hopefully I'll be able to settle down some this time. I'm grateful not to have to check my back every moment there.
The bus takes another turn and I know I'm at my stop. I've opted to walk into camp this time, so I'll have a bit of time before I reach the grounds. I like it better this way. Everything's better. Everything's grand, because I'm going back to Camp Slash.
|Friday, December 10th, 2004|